Growing Up Is Not the Same as Growing Mature

Revisiting the Maturity Continuum in Mid-Life

If you’ve ever read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, you’ll likely remember Stephen R. Covey’s idea of the Maturity Continuum. It’s simple, but it’s also deeply confronting especially as we get older.

Covey suggested that human maturity development follows a natural progression:

Dependence → Independence → Interdependence

This progression isn’t about age. It’s about maturity. And that distinction matters because...

many people grow older, more accomplished, more affluent… yet remain emotionally, relationally, or spiritually stuck at an earlier stage of development.

The Continuum Is About Growth, Not Labels

The Maturity Continuum is a process of maturity growth, not a personality type. The word continuum itself implies something important: growth is incremental, uneven, and ongoing.

Most of us don’t live entirely in one stage. We might be highly independent at work, deeply dependent in relationships, and selectively interdependent in a few trusted spaces. The question isn’t “Which stage am I in?” The real question is: Where have I stayed too long?

The question isn’t “Which stage am I in?” The real question is: Where have I stayed too long?

Dependence: The Attitude of “You”

Dependence is the earliest stage of maturity. It’s necessary in childhood and understandable in moments of vulnerability. But when dependence becomes a default posture in adulthood, it quietly erodes growth.

Dependence sounds like:

• You should fix this for me

• You decide

• You remind me

• You make this easier

At its core, dependence carries the attitude of “You”.My needs. My wants. My comfort. My outcomes, all delivered, responsible and accountable by someone else.

In organisational life, this shows up as entitlement or disengagement. In relationships, it becomes blame, resentment, or emotional passivity. In personal wellbeing, it sounds like: “I don’t have time”, “I don’t see the point”, or “No one showed me how.”

Psychologically, prolonged dependence correlates with external locus of control, learned helplessness, and low agency (Seligman, 1975). Spiritually, it resembles what Scripture describes as remaining “children, tossed to and fro” rather than growing into maturity (Ephesians 4:13–14, NKJV).

Dependence may feel safe but over time, it shrinks a life.

Independence: The Attitude of “I”

Independence represents a significant developmental leap. It’s the stage where responsibility, agency, and choice come online.

Independence sounds like:

• I choose

• I will take responsibility

• I can do this

• I will prioritise what matters

This is where proactivity, vision, self-discipline, and personal integrity emerge core ideas reflected in Covey’s first three habits.

From a wellbeing and psychotherapy perspective, independence aligns with:

• healthy autonomy (Deci & Ryan, 2000)

• internal locus of control

• adult identity formation

• self-regulation and boundary setting

Many high-performing professionals are strongly developed here. Careers are built. Financial stability is achieved. Titles are earned.

But independence has a ceiling.

A life built only on “I” eventually becomes lonely, brittle, and exhausted.

Interdependence: The Attitude of “We”

Interdependence is not weakness. It is the highest form of maturity.

Interdependence says:

• Let’s do this together

• Your perspective matters

• We are better together

• My strength + your strength = something greater

This stage requires emotional intelligence, humility, empathy, and the capacity for win-win thinking and synergy. It’s relational maturity, not just competence.

Neuroscience and wellbeing research consistently show that human flourishing is relational. Connection is not optional it is biological, psychological, and spiritual (Hari, 2018; Siegel, 2012).

Biblically, this mirrors the design of the human person:

“It is not good that man should be alone.” (Genesis 2:18, NKJV)

Interdependence is where leadership becomes service, success becomes contribution, and maturity expresses itself through love, responsibility, and shared purpose.

Why Many Adults Get Stuck

Here’s the uncomfortable truth:

You can be highly successful and still be developmentally immature in key areas of life.

Many adults oscillate between stages:

• Independent in expertise

• Dependent in learning

• Interdependent only when it suits them

For example, someone may seek expert input (interdependence) but still expect to be spoon-fed, reminded, or rescued (dependence) rather than doing the independent work of reflection, integration, and application. In learning, leadership, and personal growth, this creates frustration on all sides.

A Brief Note on Learning Maturity

Learning follows the same continuum.

Dependent learning sounds like:

• You tell me what I need

• You plan it

• You remind me

• You make it relevant

Independent learning requires:

• responsibility

• clarity of purpose

• prioritisation amidst competing demands

And interdependent learning emerges when people:

• learn together

• challenge one another

• build shared understanding and capability

Research in adult learning and behaviour change consistently shows that ownership and meaning drive sustained growth not compliance alone (Knowles et al., 2015).

Life takes time.So does learning.So does maturity.

A Pause for Reflection

If you’re honest with yourself consider these questions:

• Where in my life have I stayed dependent for too long?

• Where do I insist on independence when interdependence is required?

• How has this shaped my relationships, health, faith, or leadership?

• What would mature growth look like now, at this stage of life?

The goal is not perfection.The goal is progression.

Covey’s Maturity Continuum is not just a leadership model. It’s a mirror. And for many accomplished adults, it gently asks:

Have I merely grown older or have I truly grown up?

References

• Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 habits of highly effective people. Free Press.

• Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.

• Hari, J. (2018). Lost connections: Why you’re depressed and how to find hope. Bloomsbury.

• Knowles, M. S., Holton, E. F., & Swanson, R. A. (2015). The adult learner (8th ed.). Routledge.

• Seligman, M. E. P. (1975). Helplessness: On depression, development, and death. W. H. Freeman.

• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• The Holy Bible, New King James Version. (1982). Thomas Nelson.